Why is it that, without fail, a waiter will seat another couple at the table right beside my wife and I?  What possible reason could anyone have to want another four ears eavesdropping on their intimate conversation?

I’m not bored of my wife’s company; I’m not seeking extra-marital stimulation like some kind of aural swinger. I’m there with her – you asshole – for good reason.

How often does a married couple with teenaged children get to chew the fat and reaffirm shared values? Hardly ever, as it happens; maybe once or twice a year for some of us. An absence of intimacy is a crippling test of two people’s commitment to one another.

So, here’s a heartfelt request to all you waiters and waitresses out there: when a couple goes into a restaurant, especially one that’s almost empty, pretend you’re not an insensitive prick; don’t seat anyone else nearby.